Been Gone Way too LONG!!!

HEY FF,

It’s me Mann. I’ve been gone awhile and I promise never to leave you like that ever again. My life has changed a lot in the past few months you haven’t heard from me and this is just to get you guys up to date.

Well firstly, I just finished Spring Semester at my community college and did terrible. I got a D two C’s and a B. With grades like this I really need too focus and remember what matters and what’s most important in life. I hate myself so much for being a useless vessel. I am no better than my family if I continue to get grades like this. I will fail and live a nothing life in my rundown hometown if I don’t get it together.

Secondly, remember that girl I went out on a date with? She was so perfect for me? Yeah her. Yeah she just abruptly stopped talking to me which is great in a good and  sarcastic way considering I really wanted to be with her but at the same time she was kind of “damaged goods” from past relationships and was no good for me and I could see it just didn’t want to accept it.

Thirdly, I still live with my family. I hate it still and I should be moving as soon as I find a college I want to attend. Sad thing is is that the only college that accepted me so far is 20 minutes from my house. I honestly don’t know why I applied. I mean it is a good school but I dont want to be so close to my family and I knew this before I even applied. I want to be nowhere near them at all. like I said in previous posts all they do is drag me down I feel. It really sucks to say things like this but it is the truth.

Lastly, I vow too keep talking to you FF on a more consistent basis. I have done nothing but neglect you and that is unfair and you deserve my undivided attention so you have it. You are here to listen to my vents and give me constructive criticism. So with that I bid thee farewell… for the moment.

Mann

Post Online Girl Date

So FF,

Went on my date with “Online Girl” yesterday and I must say she is so attractive to me. Amazing pale blue eyes. Light porcelain flawless skin. She is thin and very cute. Smile is out of this world. Don’t let me start on her personality. We are strangely the same person mostly accept the fact that she is white and short and I am tall and black lol. But anyway we are both into sports and writing which is definitely a plus. We both love too read and are interested in some of the same authors and such. She plays video games sometimes which also is a plus and the biggest thing I love is I didn’t have to dumb down my conversation to talk to her! We talked about intellectual things from history to literary works and authors to politics and we never were out of sync. It’s amazing such a beautiful woman could be so intelligent. I’m so happy she is smart and didn’t let her beauty be her only plus. Feel so blessed to have met someone like this. Hopefully it continues to work out for the better. I’m excited about the future with her so far.

See ya
Mann

Online girl

Hey FF,

So Since I have a huge fear of talking to women. I decided to talk to women online because it’s easier. My second problem is the feelings I gain to fast. It’s a troublesome combination now that I met a woman who shares all the interests I do online but she is always busy so we never meet. I initiate every conversation which also sucks then she randomly bails out after maybe 15 texts and I don’t want to receive a leave me alone text out of nowhere. I’m afraid of rejection as well. I don’t know what to do. She likes me as a person but idk if I’m wooing her ya know? Should I dash or stick with it.

First Day of school

Hey FF,
I am in school today for the first time well on a college campus. It’s a community college. I’m hopefully going to get accepted to Pitt soon so next fall I will be there. So ready for this. The Precalc is a killer but I’m willing to put in the work. I have to get back use to the teaching environment. After so many years in the military it’s so different. Only time will tell how well I do.

Forgiveness

Hey FF,
As you probably know I am kind of- well was upset with people in my life. As easy as it is for me to be angry and say things to relieve my pain I have to learn to forgive and move on even if the other party doesn’t feel they were wrong in anything they did. I have enough issues within my own being. Letting someone else eat away at my insides when I already suffer from depression, PTSD, and various other issues is not very smart on my behalf. I need to move on and let go. That doesn’t mean I will make the same mistake again. With that being said I’m done with the subject.

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. -Thomas Szasz

My Christmas

Yupp it’s that time of year.

Hey FF,
That time of year of fakism where we all get together and act like we care or love one another when we all want to secretly stab each other in the back. I love it. Christmas the biggest act ever. Maybe I’m just angry… Maybe it’s my horrid Christmas’ that put such a dark stint on it for me. Idk but I have come to a conclusion. A girl I know named “K” told me not to help people who didn’t want to help themselves and that is absolutely true. I came back to VA to help my family. I have gotten an apartment offered to buy furniture on my dime but they don’t care. My sister told me the other day “you are no savior”. Basically saying they don’t need not have ever needed or wanted my help. So with that being said I wasted my time. I came to VA and got an overly expensive apartment to help my family let them use my car because there’s got repoed and you have the nerve to tell me you didn’t need me? Really? Yes I will admit my faults as well I did go on social networks and say I was displeased with the fact I was sleeping on the floor or I had no furniture because you felt like you were too good for used furniture or the fact I had to hear annoying crying from a child every 18 minutes. But honestly I’m 23 fresh out the military in college doing productive things trying to transition to a normal life and when I can’t even have furniture in my house I see that as a hinderance. I slept on the ground in Afghanistan all the time I don’t want too anymore because I don’t have too. I don’t have to live like a bohemian because I’m not one. I worked hard and now I’m suffering for it because I wanted to help and on top of all that I can tell its not being appreciated so I have decided to leave for good. Not like a couple years and come back I’m talking I’m cutting my family off forever I’m done. I want nothing to do with them anymore. It sucks I won’t get to see my nieces and nephews grow up but I feel if I want to be all I can be and live up to my full potential. I have no friends here only family so starting over wont be to hard for me. I’m kind of excited about it. For the first time in my life I can live for myself and that makes me happy.

Excuse my absence…

Hey FF, 

So I’ve been much too depressed to talk to anyone for the past few weeks. I think I told you already I went out of my way to help my sister and her husband get an apartment and they basically got in and screwed me over saying they wanted to leave after not being here a month and have yet to contribute to the almost 1000 dollar rent I have to pay for a three bedroom apartment my single self doesn’t even need. In worse news I just got my grades back and I got 2 A’s and 2 B’s. I’m upset at myself because my own laziness of not doing the extra credit could have easily got me straight A’s. It sucks but oh well I’m going to just move on. I have two science labs next semester while I wait for my Pitt decision. I so want to get in. Tired of being in Virginia and I want to live life for myself again like when I was in the Army. I enjoyed my independence. Besides I do not want to spend another year at this God forsaken community college. No offense but I feel I can do better. A lot better than a community college. Besides I want to finish the rest of my science labs at a four year institution before leaving for med school. I’m ready to be on my own again though once again. My family has done exactly what I thought they would do and that is make my life difficult, drag me down, and leech off of me and I’m done being a part of it. They don’t understand I love them to death but Parasitism is a symbolic relationship I wish to not be involved in. I can see this departure from Portsmouth be a long one and it sucks because I will miss my nephew and niece and little cousins growing up but I need to get away and learn who I am. I am 23 and need some space. While I have no friends, I have learned that just because someone is necessarily related to you doesn’t make them your family. So I have to search for the qualities and hopefully build a strong family I can benefit from and they can find the same benefit in my presence. A more of a mutuality in our relationship rather than what I have been dealing with lately.

    My friend L.M. kind of reminded me to start looking at current medical research going on in the medical world and to stay on top of it so I know whats going on and am not so currently not up to date on the latest findings in medical research. I am highly proud of her for taking steps to do what she loves in plant Bio engineering or something like that. She kind of opened my eyes to the fact that I can believe in science and God. I struggle with my religion from time to time and I hope I can get back into the Word soon.

I feel as though I have some kind of resentment towards God. After all the believing my mom has done quitting her job praying and standing on faith that God would basically drop a billion dollars in her lap (yea I know it sounds crazy why he hasn’t blessed her yet. My mom basically sacrificed my entire stable lifestyle throughout high school because her belief God told her to give everything up. I think that fuels my anger towards my mom sometimes. She doesn’t understand how hard high school was for me from the constant picking on for my worn out clothes to the stress of not knowing if I was going to have a place to stay when I got home from school. She didn’t try and she does all of this in God’s name and it is baffling to me. But anyway I’m going to get off here now I’ve bored you all enough. I still anticipate leaving here and meeting some real friends for once and who knows maybe a girlfriend! 

See ya FF

Mann

Me hating life some more.

Hey FF,
It’s me again being annoyed with my life. Today I had what I think is my second appointment with the VA since leaving the Army and I just got diagnosed with mild-PTSD. I failed to tell you all I was diagnosed with paranoid schiz back in January. Yea… Fml right. But it’s not as bad as you think. I actually have a good hold over my symptoms and seek help when needed and live a pretty ordinary life. But any who I saw the PTSD thing coming. It was only a matter of time before I was diagnosed.
Today I also had to deal with the joys of not living by myself -___-. One thing I hate more than anything is not being in control of my life. I have to get approval on everything from cable to furniture here and if I don’t go along with what everyone else wants I will be the bad guy. They don’t say it but I know it to be true. I just want to live by myself independently where my decisions don’t effect anyone but me. I know I’m helping my family and all but I do have the right to say this sucks right? Cuz it does. On a very high level. I went from sleeping in a bed at my uncle’s house to sharing a furniture less apartment with my sister and her family and my mom… Tell me you would have done the same thing…. You can’t can you? Trust me I didn’t want to I was somewhat put into a corner and forced too. They can’t afford me to leave they need my car and my income and I guess I care to much to pack up and leave. I wish this could all be over.

Car dealer= scam artist

So a while back FF I was scammed into buying a 2008 Dodge Nitro with an APR of 16.8. Yes I know, way too high. I have a $475.98 dollar payment. Well anyway today I tried to trade it in for this awesome 2009 Malibu LTZ and was told I would have to pay more than what I’m paying now for my Nitro!!!! Wtf? I mean do you guys get a hard on off of ripping people off. I’m just saying where can I go to a dealership that won’t rip me off around here!!

Growing a pair

Hey FF,

I need your help! So I just moved into these new apartments like I talked about in my last post and the girl who works in the leasing office is gorgeous. I mean nice slim body about 5’7″ and long blonde hair. She has that whole girl next door thing going on. Anyway I have been going into that office everyday for one reason or another and I always want to ask her out to coffee or maybe her number or something. I get cold feet every time though. Every time I think about asking her anything related to the subject I freeze up! We have had conversations before bit nothing hugely major and so far I love her personality very down to earth. Anyway I’m 23 and she is 26. I am in college pursuing a bachelors degree to apply to med school and she has a masters already. I’m black and she’s white. Most importantly I am her tenant. All of these are reasons why I am scared to ask her anything. I don’t want to cause a conflict of interest between me and her job and what if she doesn’t even like black guys?! I am just afraid she will reject me more than anything. Partially because I share an apartment with so many and on top of that I am scared she isn’t attracted to me at all. I’ve been told I’m pretty good looking quite a bit. I’m 6’2″ about 195 with a slender build. I’m always scared though I’m always going to get turned down though. I am crushing her big time! I need help. Can you tell me how I should go about asking her out next time I go in her office? Thanks.

Mentally going downhill.

Hey FF,

They say family can build you up or destroy you. Well right now it is destroying me. I moved my family being my mom, my sister, her husband, and their two kids, into a three bedroom apartment with me after months of them sleeping on other people’s floors and couches. My sister’s car was repossessed because they couldn’t make the payments so guess who’s car they are using now? Oh you guessed it mine…. I want to help my family but it has become more of an obligation and priority rather than a want. My mom works nowhere and refuses too. My brother in law works but you can tell its barely enough. I hate this! I just did a four year stint in the military got medically retired and all I want to do is take my money go to college, maybe make some friends, and spend my money the way I want living independently. But now I’m stuck with the burden of this. Oh I failed to mention I met this cute woman that works at our apartments who I would and want to ask out but NOPE! Can’t do that. I don’t have my own car to take her anywhere and I live with my mother and two small children. Who wants to date a guy who lives with his mother! Anyway its not like I can have a moment of peace and quiet with a baby crying all the time. I honestly love my family and HAVE to take care of them and I will but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I am not happy at all with my life right now it is going in a bad direction because of this. I worked to hard to be sleeping on the floor spending every last dollar I have to feed people who are not my responsibility and pay a ton of bills.

Independence and no worries

I wish I was an orphan in some ways. Today I had got no apartment basically after my head was pumped with false hope by my sister and brother in law. You see I was helping my sister and her husband out who virtually have nothing but in a way helping them I feel is going to drag me down too. I make enough to live comfortably on my own but it seems every time I come to Virginia I always have to put myself in a position where I’m as helpless as they are and that is the main reason I hate coming back to Virginia. Every time I come here between my sister and my mother all I see is poverty and it makes me sick. I choose to take care of my family or help in some way because I am the only one making steady income and what type of man would I be if I didn’t and let my mother sleep on someone’s love seat and my sister and her family on the floor in someone’s living room? Exactly… A jerk, a douche, a whatever you can think of. Honestly if I had my way I would live a normal just turned 23 year old life if a retired veteran. Go to school, live in a one bedroom apartment, go to the gym, maybe make some friends, possibly go out on a date or two maybe. This doesn’t help my social life issues at all I explained before. I just want to live for me for once. Free to do what I want to do without having to worry about someone else’s problems.

Social Retard

I feel I have a moderately strong case of social retardation. I hate going out with people, I’d rather sit in the house and watch tv than hangout with people. I avoid social interaction to the best of my ability sometimes. For an example, my birthday just passed an I had no desire to be around someone or anyone for that matter. I fear social interaction. I hope when I get to four year college things will change. FF I wish you could tell me what to do. Don’t let me get started on women. I feel it is so hard to connect with them sometimes it’s almost crazy. I was always told by girls I’m not bad looking and to be such a social retard is just hard for me. Help me out FF if you have any expertise here.

My Bday

So today is my birthday!!!!! Yay me I’m finally on my Jordan birthday. I’ve seen a lot and been through a lot in my past 23 years here. I learned a lot and have much more to learn. Anyway I’m going to get to bed FF, I had a long day. Hit you up later bud.

Miss Relationships :(

Hey FF….. Guess what I miss? Yup Relationships, well romantic relationships mostly. The two romantic relationships I ever had ended with one leaving me the day I returned from deployment which is kind of my fault because I was always in a bad mood over there and the second leaving me while I was in the hospital but we were together for the wrong reasons anyway. As you can see I haven’t had much luck with women which sucks. It’s hard to find a woman that is right for me. I’m sure I have a ton of issues which I will explain in a later post.

I am a very romantic an affectionate man and I don’t care how that sounds. I want to romance a woman an treat her like a queen. I miss sending my girlfriends flowers or setting up romantic nights. I hate being single but I would rather wait for the right woman to come along rather than just rush into something.

See ya guys.

R.C.