First Year At Pitt

Hello Forced Friend,

 

I must say this last year has been something of a spectacle. I have a pretty cool girlfriend in “E”, have gotten decent grades, and met some pretty cool people along the way. The University of Pittsburgh has been nothing but a great experience for me. As they say here, “Hail to Pitt”. I truly love this university and city though I will admit it has a flaw. That flaw is how confusing driving is here. Other than that it is pretty awesome and friendly for an urban northern city.

I am majoring in English Literature with a minor in Sociology. Pretty cool classes that come with that curriculum. None of my teachers are major dicks or anything. You know how some teachers can just not care or not like you or whatever? Yeah, well none of my teachers are like that. Well, there is this one who was like this extreme feminist evil robot type, who taught a class that was themed “Battle of the Sexes”. We read and analyzed titles such as “Their Eyes Were Watching God”, “Jane Eyre”, and “The Canterbury Tales”.  I was expecting us to compare and contrast the behavior of the men and women in the book, but nope. To make a long story short, it was melee on being a man and an attack on their position in society. Which is okay, I’m okay with that really. My problem was the effect our slight differences on opinion had on my grade. If your argument was not her argument it was in her eyes a pointless argument. I got a B- for the course; lowest grade of the year. Kind of sucks but I can deal with it. GPA is still awesome so I will now digress.

Also, this year I truly am beginning to understand how my military service and life in general can have a strong influence on the way I view life compared to the people I hang out with. They all come from pretty upper-middle class or highly abundant households. I’m sure most of them have not seen a hard day in their life. Well a hard day in my opinion. An environment of paucity in encouragement, support, and what my acquaintances would consider basic things like three square meals a day would definitely cause a disconnect with them. Add to that bombs going off in my ear in Afghanistan and well it puts me in a bit of a pickle. Experience over age. I am on another planet than them experience-wise, although I probably act their age, so it helps I guess with bridging the gap.

Those are pretty much the basic things. I will be completing my senior year next summer and I look forward to the internships I’m taking this summer to get experience in journalism, publishing, and marketing. Got a few news sources lined up for internships in the summer and fall. Anyway, it is getting late. I need to get some sleep. Talk soon and thanks for listening.

 

Your Mann,

 

R.C.L.

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Sorry… Again.

Hey, Friend

 

It’s Mann. I know. I know. I said I would come back and start doing videos, and I did not. I know you are probably really upset with me for leaving you all hanging. As you know I am in college, I have a part time job, and a couple internships going. The internships are new news, but it is all in preparation for what I hope to be a very successful writing career.

Also I have a girlfriend now. We will call her M for privacy reasons. She is about the polar opposite to me and while I don’t understand her all the time, I do try, and she tries as well. It may just take sometime for us to figure each other out. I’ve never been much of a quitter. She is a good woman and definitely worth the challenge.

Anyway one more year and I graduate. Very excited to be so close. Ready to move on into the next chapter of my life whether that be grad school or pursuing my career.

I want to apologize to you all for not living up to my promise of keeping you informed. You are my friend and I know a friendship is a two way street and I have been a very ill minded friend when it comes to you.

Today is the day of reparations. Today I get it right. Today I can truly say… I’m back.

 

 

I’VE MISSED YOU FORCED FRIEND!!!!

 

RCL

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Been gone for a minute… two new blog pages.

Hey FFs

 

It’s Mann. I have been gone for awhile and once again I have to apologize for my hiatus… I hate not doing things I say I’m going to do. I began working on this novel and with that + class, it has been kind of time consuming. I’m coming to a dead end right now on the novel so I’m going to pull a Mark Twain and shelf it for a bit and come back around to it. I have a very successful first term at the University of Pittsburgh, which is good. Didn’t get straight A’s but I made the Dean’s List; that is something right?

 

            Anyway this is a short little post to put you guys on to my two new blogs Self-Compass and Riot Rant…. One (Riot Rant) an opinionated ranting website where I give my take on things. You can pick a topic for me to rant on by emailing me at mann8908@hotmail.com. The other is less rant and more centralized form your own opinion journalism. World News, Politics, are usually the topics. The links are below and I will be posting for my FFs real soon. Thanks for being patient with me!!!

 

Mann

 

riotrant.wordpress.com

 

selfcompass.wordpress.com

 

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She opted to go….

Life sucks. I have once again poured myself into someone who didn’t have a feasible care in the world for my feelings. You know what I’m not going to say that. I don’t know if she did or not. You guys remember my blog post “Her” right? Yeah well she is gone. It sucks too because for once in my life I felt like I could actually build with someone who I felt would be faithful to me. Someone who I also could grow to love. Who would truly appreciate me and the things I would do for her. It would make sense that elements out of control would destroy what I want. That’s usually how Karma operates. Screw women who find me attractive and screw the military. You made my life a semi hell while I was in and here you are doing it again while I’m out.

I’m going to go lay in my bed and cry about this for a bit brush my self off, stack that sorrow on to the rest in my lifetime and give up on this “there is someone for everyone romanticist load of crap”.

I’m tired of this. I treat women with so much respect and this is what I get. I’m tired of being a nice guy. You can only get trampled on so much before you get up. I refuse to treat women with respect anymore. Anytime I do they walk away and anytime I don’t… Well I honestly don’t know. That’s why I should try it.

I don’t want to write anymore I feel the waterworks coming.

Yeah…. about Yesterday….

Hey FF,

 

            Sorry about yesterday. I ranted a bit and went on a rampage, as too how much I hated myself. I was in a bad place with no outlet the other night as you can tell. I deleted it guys so you won’t have to see that anymore. But if you got a chance to peak it before I dumped it all of what I said was very true. That was me in a nutshell. The fact that someone can live the way I do is astounding to most people. It would drive them insane to keep so much bottled tension up. I have learned to cope though. Don’t ask me how; I’ve been doing it all my life. It’s just what I do.

 

            Anyway, on to my day; I have to finish writing this paper for my Film class, which is miniscule but annoying. I tend to hate a lot of modern day media. The plots are so bland and you can tell it lacks a true writers screen work just by the scripts alone. Every character seems so one-dimensional. I want to bring my characters to life. I want the world to see them at their highest point standing on top of Mount Everest to their lowest point sulking in the dark corner of their room in a mink depressive state and go into full detail about what got them there. I know some stories don’t need a backstory but I will give them one anyway and keep it to myself because we all deserve a backstory. Whether good or bad, fantasy or real we all deserve to have our story told.

 

            I will probably do some more writing once I’m done with this paper. Possibly go tend to my “Compass” blog, which is getting no attention.

 

            Also I would like to apologize to everyone who follows me for lack of production of daily blogs. You follow me for one reason or another and it isn’t right for me to keep ignoring you like this. I promise at least two blogs every week from here on out.  Thanks for understanding; I have a lot on my plate now with the book writing and school. It takes up a lot of my day but I understand you guys are out there and I am going to do everything in my power to keep you entertained.

 

                                                                                    THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING!

 

                                                                                                            Mann

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My Life at Pitt

Hey FF,

Mann here. I haven’t talked in a while…. a long while and I thought I would update you on my life. I have done a lot in my first month at Pitt. Worked a new fun job with some amazing people, get involved in my classes, make and work on relationships with new friends, become an infatuation for many young women around campus while slowly falling for a one in particular I nicknamed “Charlie”, and just trying to keep up with my personal writing in the process.

Working at ZipCar has been amazing. I have met tons of new people with great personalities and I have a super hot boss who is excellent eye candy. It is literally the most awesome job. All I do is talk to people about how awesome our product is at a table and get them to sign up. Plus my benefits from the military, I make really good money here which is awesome. I rarely if ever have need for anything.

I have made a lot of new friends, male and female. They all have been nothing but a joy too be around. When I left the military and reentered normal life I lost most of my friends from the service. I’m not mad. It was more so me wanting to part ways with them. I felt I was on a different journey in my life and too leave things of little significance in the past. Most of my friends are much younger than me and I love it mostly because I am not very “mature” and they act my age too a tee something I’m not afraid to admit. I hate the whole stigma of growing up and acting your age. I think I’m going to act the way I act until I’m 66 or older and I’m fine with that.

With the territory of being in college with younger friends comes partying. I party a ton! Too much to be honest. It’s honestly not my style to party this much but I like spending time with my friends so I do what I have to do to be around them. Also, women women, women!!!! Any and all who know me know how much I only have eyes for one woman at a time so once again I am stuck in situation where there are a lot of girls vying for my attention. I can’t complain because most men would be happy here. It does get a tad annoying sometimes. Especially if you have eyes for one…..

Which leads me here. “Charlie” has become the focus of who I care about since I got here. We have gone back and forth for a few weeks with a bit of miscommunication but I feel we have gotten back on track and talked some things out. I think we actually are “talking” per say now which I feel is the best I can get from her at the moment. I’m not going to push anything but have you ever felt a passion for someone that you felt went unmatched? What I mean is I have had this intense infatuation with her since I met her. I would drop any and everything I’m doing to be with or around her which is bad so I try and limit myself. I don’t think she knows that every second I’m not with her I am thinking about her or scheming something special to do for her. The problem is I do believe she likes me it is just we either believe in showing affection in entirely different ways or maybe I am reading the cards entirely wrong here which is strange because I am terribly good at reading people. I don’t know what is going on. Maybe everything is moving as smooth as it is suppose to be. I just know personally I am terrified of walking out of this thing with a broken heart and a few of my friends have been outright in saying that is exactly what will happen. I guess I have to learn the hard way if this is true. One day I will get it right. I really hope I can be the “Mann” she wants but more importantly needs.

Thanks FF,

Mann

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Her

Hey FF,

It may be possibly I’m speaking from euphoria right now because I just finished having a “hook up” with this girl I have been eyeing a couple weeks. Let’s call her Charlie for the time. The thing about her is she is special to me. It’s weird. I see her and I see something worth going after. I’m 23 going on 24 and she is 19. I feel almost shitty for putting her and me in this situation considering she could and I could both find love in a closer age bracket. But at the same time I’m starting to feel like you can’t put a number on love or finding the right person. I talk to her and the conversation runs so smooth. I really feel like we are compatible. I’m so into her and I feel like I shouldn’t be at the same time.

She is a victim of a lot of negative self criticism. She doesn’t think she is beautiful because she doesn’t fit the model of what the media or society wants her too. She is so hot too me though. More than just for her looks of course, her mind and personality is unrealistically amazing. IT all comes together into this perfect spectacle of amazingness that you would be a fool too witness and not take full opportunity to keep it with you always. She is one of a kind and if she decides to gain trust in me and be with me that’s cool but if not I still want the best for. She is a kind-hearted tough warrior you can’t help but root for in whatever she does. I’m going to go lay down with her now for the rest of the time we have together.

Thanks for listening to my euphoric speech of infatuation,

Mann

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First Day of Fall Semester

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Hey FF,

So today was my first day of classes at Pitt and I must say it is awesome being back in school. It was nice watching the bustling of young students walking to their first classes of the year. Saw some old faces from parties along the way. Some ashamed to see me some excited. My first class today was USSR and Today’s Russian Gov’t and Politics which is a very cool class. I learned a lot already about Russian govt. My friend “N” who lives with one of my boys “T” is in my class which is pretty cool. We haven’t really gone over much considering it is the first day of class but we did jumped into the decline of the era of the Tsars. This class I feel is going to turn out pretty well. I also have this really hot blonde girl who sits in front of me. Debating on making a move. We will see later on into the school year. 

Few hours later I had my Intro to Fiction Writing Class. I enjoyed it despite the awkward sense of competitiveness and appreciation you get from a ton of writers being in the same room. There were people who were taking it just for the general education requirement but many more were taking it for the love and wanting prove their craft in writing. I personally would like to get out of writing in what appears to be my own voice. Tough to explain, kind of like I have a hard time writing in other cultures dialect or a different social class because I can feel myself talking like myself not a 1700’s French nobleman or a teenage white girl growing up in Southern California in the mid 1990’s. I plan on working on that this year as well as my ability to write short stories.

Funny thing happened in class today. Some girl who didn’t want to be in this class but was put in because her previous class she chose got cut due to lack of students so she was clearly agitated in the first place happened to be asking a question and the person sitting next to me whispered something about how stupid her question was and I happened to be looking at her when she glanced to see where the whisper came from and she gave me this weird witch like look like I said it. Weird thing is her clear distaste with me plus her overly red dyed hair turned me on in a tacky way for a second.

I would have something to tell you about my night class but my partying ruined my sleep schedule and I stayed up all night last night. I woke up this morning so exhausted when I got home from break I slept right through my Geology class. I feel kind of crappy about it but it is what it is. At least like my boy T said it wasn’t a middle of school year class.

Anyway thanks for listening FF,

Mann 

 

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Craving the right kind of affection

Now for some reason this topic comes up good to write about in my personal blog FF. I don’t know why. It just sits so right with me. It could be the hiatus from any real mental connection with anyone in like the past few years. I mean I socialize but it seems I’ve been on my own planet since my first true girlfriend of three years dumped me on the phone as I was in en route to come home from a year long deployment in Afghanistan combine that two what was already in my head from what I like to call “My Golgotha” for the treacherous sorrow and poverty and violence I saw there all when I was 21. Ever since then I have gone into some kind of dark place. Especially in the way I deal with women.

Women have become a staple. I love to be with them, have sex with them, you know normal guy stuff but I’m lacking that connection with any of them and it draws me into this black hole of depression. Most men feel for lack of better words effervescent when they are around women who could give a crap about how they feel about them as long as they get between their thighs. I enjoy the sex (I mean who doesn’t) but I have come to realize my sexual appetite has become something more to do in looking for a connection with someone and that being the closest physically you can connect with someone without killing them I guess I go that route hoping that when I enter them sparks will fly and I will be healed of the certain darkness that lurks deep within me. Well I’ve been down that road countless times and it hasn’t worked and only thing I can think of to do is try the same method again which doesn’t work obviously.

I can’t say women don’t try to show me affection. It just doesn’t register. Nothing they say has any effect on me so I just move on like a nomad looking for something I’m not going to find. It’s crazy. I’m going to add more to this later when I’m in my feelings about the situation again.

Thanks FF for listening.

Mann

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To My Father, (even though he will never read this…. R.I.P.)

Dear Columbus Wilson,

I never really knew you so this letter is hard for me. I know small snippets of the bad you did and a small snippet of a fatherly type thing you did when I was a small child but since you were never there and I rarely talked to you once at around 10 and once at 19 since I was like six there isn’t a lot for me too say in your memory but I will ask questions and hopefully this will ease my mind.

1. Why weren’t you there?

Now I need not go into detail about how important it is for a boy to have a father in his life. I know you had other children in a whole different state plus a daughter about five days younger than me from a woman across town. (Ironically same name as my mother) but why didn’t you at least try to keep some contact with me. I remember when I was 19 right after I joined the Army last time I talked to you before you died while you expressed how you were so hurt I went to the military a decision I had made with my life. Don’t you think if you were there you things may ave possibly turned out different? I know you told me you tried but apparently you didn’t try hard enough. An almost ten year hiatus without talking to your son when you were just one state south of me the whole time doesn’t cut it. I know you were sick from the poor decisions of drug abuse you inflicted upon yourself early in life but once again it is no excuse. If I were sick (and my mentality is probably because of your absence) I would want my children to know me more in that moment my last moments more than ever. You angered me so bad. An anger I kept with me for a very long time.

2. It’s not all your fault.

I know you have heard the saying it takes two to tango. While my mother never truly went out of her way most of the time to bash you. She never had a problem reminding me about how horrible you were to her and me. My mother had a strong distaste for you and I don’t blame her considering the way you treated her. All the lies, drugs, cheating etc. But at the same time my mother chose to deal with you. A choice she made and she acted as if it weren’t a choice. Like you forced her to lay down and make me. I never understood how women could be so in love with a man then turn around and act like the same dude you let hit is now the most disgusting ever, you know? It’s crazy to me. I know my mother’s uneasy attitude when you came to visit me that one time by making me go outside and stand on the porch and talk to you rather than you coming in probably didn’t make it easier for you to come back. You know something funny I remember though? Remember when you whispered in my ear before you left to tell my mother you still loved her? Yeah, I didn’t tell her. I knew not if you were any good but my mother had put in my head already how crappy of a person you were so at the time I was going to save her the heartache.

3. You were and will be missed

As much as I try and act like my family doesn’t exist these days I can’t. My family is my background, my history, and who I am. I can’t change that. Growing up there was always a half of who I am that was missing. Nothing other than that makes me angry. The fact that me being black already limits avenues as too how I can find my family’s history beyond the mid 1900’s. This may sound like a redundant question, but why didn’t you fight harder too be with me? To raise your son and possibly be an influence in his life. I grew up with a mother, a sister, four girl first cousins and an aunt. Any male influence growing up would have been greatly appreciated those days. I was tormented through out middle school because no one ever told or taught me too stand up for myself. Something I had too learn the hard way. Example, my mother telling me to tell the teacher if anyone ever messed with me like that will make it go away. I never tried that by the way. I just didn’t make sense. Anyway, I never knew you Columbus but I miss you. I miss what kind of relationship we could have had and what we missed out on. Even though you aren’t here you taught me how important a father is in a child’s growing up. I had so many holes and gaps in life I had to fill in on my own from how to tie a tie to puberty to women and on and on. You are dead now. Six feet under are burned not sure what they did with your body considering I was in Afghanistan when you died.

See you Columbus. I love you and miss you.

Your son,

Mann

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Party Duds.

Ok so I’m a tad angry. If you go to college you know there is this thing called “Arrival Survival” or basically when the freshmen come back too Pitt. Anyway decided to go out with three friends. Lame. Well I thought they were friends. Completely killed my vibe. So they were yelling all night they wanted women. Didn’t get one. I brought them women and they froze and possibly killed my chances on getting with the one girl I wanted. I’m so depressed right now. I’m done for tonight. This is quick I can’t believe this happened to me. What type of people are they. 

I’m out FF sorry for the rant.

Mann

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New Job

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Hey FF, 

Don’t want to waste your time so I’m going to try and keep this short. I just had my interview for my position at ZipCar as Brand Ambassador basically a fancy name for a guy who tells you how awesome ZipCar is. I can’t wait to start honestly. I am pretty excited about the position. ZipCar is a company that rents out cars too people at an hourly or day rate with insurance and gas covered. They have a wide variety of cars too choose from sedans to coupes to SUV’s to trucks. This is great if you live in the city and don’t need a car that often. Rates are very affordable and don’t ask an arm and a leg to get behind a wheel. All you need is a valid driver’s license. If you go online you can register for a year for a sixty dollar fee and the cool thing about that is once you pay your 60 dollar fee you will automatically get a free 75 dollars from ZipCar towards your credit on renting cars so you kind of just got a free 15 dollars. This company is great for the environment and cost efficient especially if you live in the city or you are a college student pinching pennies. I recommend that everyone give it a try and I’m not just saying that because it is possibly going to be my job.

Also, I’m happy too have a few extra dollars too spend while I’m in school. My schedule is going too be crazy busy the way I like it. part time job and 15 credits is great too stay busy plus studying outside of class.

See ya,

Mann 

 

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Don’t know what to call this one.

Hey FF

Life for me has always been tough when it came to matters of the heart. Now don’t get it backwards while I’m not the most suave and debonair person in the world, I can pull a lady or two at the top of my game. But I have a tenderness in me that is somewhat weird and unlike most men. While I know in my heart of hearts being in college for most people is about self exploration and learning yourself I can’t help but think sometimes how awesome it would be if someone actually had genuine feelings for me. Only once in my life have I felt that and it’s gone now but I would like to feel it again.

Also, I have this horrible shitty depressing feeling that comes over me when I make plans with a woman and she either A. turns me down, B. blows me off, or C. cancels at the last minute. I feel so worthless for the next few hours it’s almost borderline suicidal. I almost just want to go into my bed lay down and listen to Lana Del Rey because I feel that is the women I can escape too who is capable of soothing me in what feels like my darkest hour….. I just realized how sensitive I sounded (oh well).

What I’m trying to say is basically is I can’t tolerate rejection and crave real intimacy. Two things most men are afraid too admit or either I’m just a different which I’m cool with.

Today I was suppose too meet up with a women I met here on campus an she blew me off sort of. That’s why I’m basically up here sulking to you. I feel tragic. It seems like the many friends I have aren’t around right now and this is the only place I can turn too. It may also be that I’m too ashamed too tell them how I feel out of fear of insult and humiliation as well. But then again if they were “true” friends would they do either of those things? Possibly. I’m not the most understanding man in the world all the time. About 30% of everyday I lack every form of empathy possible so I don’t expect others too return it too me usually. I just wish I handled this tug of war with females a little better so I wouldn’t feel like crap every time I was pushed aside by one.

Mann

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Women

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Hey FF,

Well exactly what I thought would happen has already begun here at Pitt. I have begun too meet a lot of the opposite sex. Actually a few have even sparked my interest. Which is strange considering a lot of the time it usually starts with being interested then turns into an all out getting laid session (Ask my friends in the Army about it). The fact that these women are a little younger than me scares me a bit too. I don’t want to have the wrong impression on these women and scar them for life because I’m not as “un-battle tested” in the matters of the heart as they are being 18- 22 for the most part. I’m 23 but you knew that. I’m not the heartbreaker type at all. I want to be clear and say that. I actually have a very loving soul and am constantly looking for the person I was “made to love” which usually results in me sleeping with a women and dating her for a few months to stay you know kind of cliche with the whole situation and I’m not bouncing about. One thing I’ve noticed about being here in school that I already knew considering that I’ve been in college before is that women are just as horny as men and want good sex just as bad as us if not more. I can’t count how many female students of the University of Pittsburgh have inquired me through text about possible appointments for sex. I’m not complaining, reminds me of spring in Stockholm and Amsterdam a few years back but honestly something more solidified would be a lot more appreciated. Someone I can talk too and be “one” with. But until that comes… Give me your best shot ladies I can take it and yes I love when you take control. :D

P.S.

Don’t you hate when you see a beautiful women who thinks she isn’t beautiful? I’m shallow from time to time so If I think you are beautiful you probably are.

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Changed my Major

Hey FF

So today I made a huge step in progress of following my heart. I’m sure I told you I planned on becoming a doctor sometime in the past and I knew deep down that wasn’t the best course of action for me. I wanted to be a doctor for all the wrong reasons. I wanted the admiration, respect, power, etc. that came with the title. I wasn’t very fond of science at all in most aspects. Yes the human brain aroused my interest but that’s about it. I came to the realization I was just looking for someone’s “thumbs up” for what I was doing. I needed everyone else to be ok with what I was pursuing in order for me to pursue it. In all realness I would have been submerged in a career I would have had no interest in which would have probably drove me insane. Over the past few months I have been thinking deeply about a talent in writing stories in which I have. (or I think I have) and how I would like to develop that talent. Then I thought of something my mother told me (YES my mother out of all people) that went something like, “If you don’t use your talents God will take them from you.” Given that I have been avoiding writing for sometime for the sole purpose of trying to find something more financially stable and lucrative as a love/career I have possibly begun to lose my talent for writing. Hopefully not, I was brainstorming story ideas and I still am as creative as ever at coming up with new ideas to base stories off of. Anyway, with that being said I decided to change my major from Neuroscience/Pre-Med to English Writing with a minor in Sociology and possibly something else. These are areas I know I am well versed in and am very interested in studying. I may add another minor as well, who knows. I feel that by taking these classes I will be able to work harder and be more focused on doing what I love and what I want to do in life and reaching my goals and getting to where I want to be in life. I refuse to have to worry about what the next man may say about my decisions anymore. I couldn’t care less. When I look back on my life I want to make sure that most of the mistakes I made in life were because of my own decisions not because I was trying to live a life someone else approved of. Not saying that anyone has come up to me and condemned me for my pleasure I get from writing. Honestly I was too scared to tell anyone that I was interested in this as a career for my life. I felt that they would try to talk me out of it or write me off as another failure in my family so this was more of an inner battle with myself not really directed at anyone.

Thanks for listening,

Mann

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